Coal Shed

There was a time when I came
to visit almost daily,
the old intriguing the very young.
But mistaking the past for permanence,
I squandered the present,
missing the chance to know.

Though weathered to a shade
that from a distance was gray,
closer conversation revealed
the hues of earlier years.

Within the reach of a child’s arm,
I saw the glimmer
deep in the grooves between the joints and swollen grain.
The mossy brows,
gave contrast to motes of dust in the sun
lifted from its sides like slow breath.

The softened texture seduced touch
but, in its grievance with age, replied with slivers to the palm.
Open crevices were black with ancient dust of coal
Grit and fragments supported the foundation,
becoming part of it, shoring it up with the mined past
that once lived,
once was known.

An Atheist's Prayer

When I was deeply involved in the church, it frustrated me to hear what many accepted as prayer. It seemed to me that most public prayer was more of an affirmation of shared belief or a recital of vows and doctrine than it was prayer. Often, when listening to pulpit prayers, I felt that I was doing nothing more than sitting through a sermon except with my head bowed and my eyes closed. I thought, “Prayer should not be like this. If we are talking to God, if this is communication between us and our creator, shouldn’t we be addressing him rather than each other? Shouldn’t we either be humbly asking God to act or drawing close to God to feels his presence?” I felt that prayer should be petition to and worship of God.

My views have not changed much over time. Twenty-five to forty years later, I still, as an atheist, think petition does us good. It is good to be humble, to acknowledge our inadequacies and our need for help. The tempering of arrogance, in itself is the help we most need whether it is what we consciously seek in prayer or not. Audible petitions in the presence of others open avenues of grace from those who hear our prayers. Those with whom we commune bring us compassion in response to our needs. The difference for me now is that I see my fellow petitioners as answering my prayers where I previously saw their actions as God’s hand through his people. Somehow, the concept that flawed and imperfect people being capable of bringing consolation and rising in compassion without any maneuvering of an outside agency is to me much more fearsomely powerful and worthy of awe than ascribing some hidden hand to their actions.

Worshipful prayer, too, has this new perspective for me. It, like petition, is just as real as it was before but I see it through a different lens. The object of my adoration has changed but I still remember times of prayerfully drawing close in communion with God that felt beatific. I remember prayer that left me laughing out loud in joy and feeling as though God’s presence were tangible in the room. I thought for sure there were times his finger reached out and touched the core of my heart. I may deny now that it was a deity that was the source of those experiences but I do not deny the experiences themselves. They are not false memories but recollections of true uplifting. They were expressions of wonder and awe and an openness to receive grace. This adoration is what worshipful prayer, in its essence, is. It is an opening of oneself to all the mysteries and standing in awe. It is the recognition of things overpoweringly greater than oneself.

It is awe that drops me to my knees. I need the time in that sort of contemplation that leaves me in adoration and wonderment. It is a worshipful thing that we can contemplate and comprehend a universe so vast that it makes our insignificant contemplation itself vast. Humility, adoration, openness to grace – all good things and worshipful. What better than to audibly express these things in the presence of others who, in turn are lifted up?

The source of my salvation is in the care of others responding to my petitions in need. The source of my worship is in, not just the wonder of the world around me, but in the openness of others sharing that wonder and accepting grace in the form of my offer of compassion. This lifting up of petitions, the consolation in need and the communion with friends is my church and my prayer. Selah.