We are revolted at racism and at other bigotries we witness but it’s when those bigoted views come from family members that we are so completely shocked and offended and angered. Why is that? It’s not just the offensive opinion itself that we are reacting to. Otherwise, our reaction would be just as visceral in hearing it from non-family members. And it’s not just that we tend to assume families share our views and are surprised when they do not. There is something else, an additional offense that is taken, because it comes from family.
It’s that the differences within a family pose a danger of lost family acceptance. There is not much that is more devastating than rejection by one’s family.
Some families have a great capacity to discuss differences and still maintain a cocoon of acceptance. Others require members to “shut up” to keep a semblance of unity or as a way of honoring that unity. But, in any family, if the opiner does not honor family unity and does not hold the others’ needs of family acceptance above their own need to expresses an opinion and if that opinion rejects something fundamental to the very nature and beliefs of one of the others in that family, loss of family acceptance becomes an actuality, not a mere danger.
The expressed opinion, in such cases is a rejection, whether intended or not. The resulting eruption of “How can you say that?” is not just a reaction to hatred or racism or homophobia. It has the additional layer of “How can you so blithely reject me, your sister? How can you value your opinion more than me?”
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Needless to say, jlp, this has great meaning to me. I've been rejected by my family over and over again, and it was this last round on August 1st, that really got my attention (after 50+ years). I ended up spending about 4 days in a treatment center for depression. Did you know that? Part of the treatment was "re-birthing" myself. I left there knowing that something profound in me had shifted. Perhaps you've noticed a bit how I'm letting things "fly" on Sassistas! that I normally would have diluted because Miss Missasista might be reading. I just don't given a damn any more about family acceptance. I don't value their opinions more than mine. No more. I'm done. Finished. Moving forward. Thanks for writing this.
ReplyDeleteFlannista, thanks for checking out this blog and for your comments. I did notice that you were posting things on Sassistas! that, had it been me with my family reading, I would have edited. I also noticed that Miss Missasista was absent for some time. I had been supposing there had been some offense taken and perhaps, since then, some forgiveness given as I see she has returned.
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